No one sees her for what she really is. She has done unforgivable things. I was so absorbed in my own world that day, feeling confusion. I looked behind me and she was there. She was crying. She said she had to leave. She left quickly. Suddenly I felt so much better. Her sadness and disappointment were healing for me. I got to see her fail. Ok: I am trying to portray jealousy between 2 female characters. Please tell me what I need to work on thanks! I will read and consider all ideas.
It doesn't flow very well. It sounds a little bit like a list instead of a paragraph. Sentence variation is a great thing, especially the first word in a sentence. Switch it up a little, don't just start with "she" and "I" all the time, because it's kind of a cop-out.
When writing you need to think about one of your patrons feelings If a person has had a bad day this person needs to be encouraged and inspired . This person might put the book down and choose another uplifting book to help him/her feel relaxed. When an author is seeing the silver lining of the many type of readers in the world and all have a different opinion. Your book needs some mystery, magic in the air , zest and a sense of adventure. There's always room for improvement and time is on your side. In closing , make time to sift out the words that communicate from point A-B. and on the same subject . This takes time to develop but you know that your time is very valuable. Spend some time enjoying the things you like to do and this might be able to be included in your book. Thank you for letting me share with you. Have a great day.
Don't care for it